Bioshock In A Nutshell
by Sierra259
Summary: Within this parody is a glimpse of pure randomness, along with a joking Andrew Ryan, a confused Jack, a cowardly Tennenbaum, and many more! Warning: If you don't like cursing, DON'T read this fic!


I'm back, with an all new Bioshock fan fiction! It's basically Bioshock 1 in a nutshell. Enjoy!

Bioshock in a Nutshell

*It's an ordinary day on the surface. Suddenly, a crazed psycho named Jack Ryan takes over a plane!*

Jack: *Dressed like a gangster* GIMME ALL YA MONEY, FOOL!

Pilot: Sure, I-I-uh…..WAIT a minute. Who the hell would put money on a plane?

Jack: *Quietly* I would. *Normal voice* LOOK OUT! YOU'RE GOING TO CRASH!

Pilot: HOLY SHI-

*The plane crashes, killing everyone except Jack*

Jack: Whatever.

*Later Jack finds a bathysphere in a nearby lighthouse*

Jack: YAY! A magical submarine! Let's go inside! GLUBGLUBGLUBGLUBGLUB!

*Jack enters Rapture after watching a horrible introduction video full of references to child-friendly eco books concerning the water*

Jack: *Takes a deep breath* THAT THING SCARRED ME FOR LIFE! *Starts sobbing*

Later………..

*After some scenes involving meeting Atlas, dodging a flaming couch, and learning about Little Sisters, he is trapped in a room with splicer trying to break in*

Atlas: Aye, you're screwed now, you are.

Jack: What do I do?

Atlas: No idea. I think I'll just sit here and listen to you get killed by angry splicers who may or may not have baseball bats.

Jack: ………….Well, DON'T DO ME ANY FAVORS!!!!

*A door opens slowly behind Jack*

Jack: Ok, now THAT'S just creepy.

Really later……..

*Jack rushes to save Fontai- uh, I mean Atlas's family. Suddenly, the bathysphere blows up*

Jack: *Is sent flying by the explosion* SON OF A BITCH!!!

*Later still, Jack crawls into Andrew Ryan's office. Ryan is playing Golf*

Jack: WHO WOULD PLAY FREAKIN' GOLF AT A TIME LIKE THIS?!

Ryan: *Quietly* I would.

Jack: Why am I getting a sense of Déjà- HEEEEEEEYYYY……… *Glares angrily at Ryan* Stop referencing to things that I said earlier!

*Jack beats up and mortally wounds Ryan*

Ryan: Jack, I…I have something to tell you.

Jack: What?

Ryan: I AM YOUR FATHER!

Jack: NOOOOOOOOOOOO-wait, really?

Ryan: Nah, just wanted to screw around with you one last time. Seriously though, I have something to tell you.

Jack: What is it?

Ryan: Atlas….Atlas is…..Herk……BLAAAAAAARGGG…….

Atlas: What'd he say?

*Jack stands up. There is writing on the wall in the background that says, "Atlas is Fontaine"*

Jack: *Will Ferrell voice* I'm afraid we'll never know.

A few minutes later…..

Atlas: It's time to tell you a secret, kid. You see…….I AM BATMAN! MUAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

Jack *Gasps* Really?

Atlas: Nope, just wanted to screw around with you.

Jack: WHAT IS WITH EVERYONE MESSING WITH MY FRICKING HEAD!

Atlas: Actually, I'm Fontaine. Frank Fontaine.

*There is an awkward silence*

Fontaine: Ok, I have to kill you, now.

Jack escapes by crawling into an escape vent by following a Little Sister, who is following a candy bar on a rope*

*Jack clonks his head and gets knocked out*

*Jack wakes up with a bunch of LS's staring at him*

Jack: WOAH! WHAT THE-

*Grabs a baseball bat and hits an LS on the head with it*

LS #1: OW! THAT HURT, YOU SON OF A-

*Tennenbaum runs in the room*

Tennenbaum: STOP, Don't kill them! They're cute!

Jack: CUTE? They suck a substance in people's blood, and they have a voice that sounds like they're chewing tin cans. And you think they're CUTE?

Tennenbaum: Well……yes?

LS #1: *Points at random LS's, still woozy, as Jack and Tennenbaum walk away* Ok, now that one's a talking panda and that one looks like my mother.

Really, REALLY later………

Jack: It's over, Fontaine! Give up now, and I'll give you something practical! Like a toaster! Or a washing machine!

Fontaine: Um…………….how about…………NO!

*The battle continues on until Jack gets knocked down. Suddenly, an army of LS's kills Fontaine*

Jack: WOW. That was random….

*Jack runs for the bathysphere containing Tennenbaum and the LS's. Suddenly, it closes*

Jack: Wah?

Tennenbaum: I'm sorry Jack. It's for the good of everyone.

Jack: *Angrily* WAH?

Tennenbaum: It's a noble sacrifice you're making here, and we salute you. *Turns to LS* Start the ascent.

LS: Aye, Aye, captain!

*Jack just stares at the pod as Rapture blows up, taking Jack with it. The force of the explosion sends the pod into space*

8 Months Later….

LS #1: I'm hungry!

LS #2: I'm cold!

LS #3: I'm tired!

*Tennenbaum is covering her ears nearby, beginning a slow descent into madness*

The End.

Well, that's it! Please review, and goodbye for now!


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